It's been a long week.
I have realized several things about myself in the last week.
I am still not completely healed from all the hurts that came about several years ago. More accurately, I'm still angry about them, and bitter that other people don't have those hurts. Boy that sounds like an ugly sentence when I hear it. But it's the truth. Isn't that what combats all the uglies?
Truth.
I realized that my husband can handle the uglies. He isn't going anywhere. He in this for the long haul. I can lean on him.
I can reach out to others. It doesn't make them pity me. It doesn't make them glad they aren't me. But if it DID make them feel those things, that's out of my control. I am not responsible for others emotions.
I am allowed to have my own real emotions.
I am having LOTS of them! Anger, frustration, thankfulness, relief, pain, sorrow and hope.
Bigger than all the other things I feel is the truth that God loves me. Even when His love feels bad, it's still His love and I still need to accept it.
Last week I found out that I was pregnant. This week I had a miscarriage. We wanted this baby. We wanted to be pregnant now. We have to wait. I hate waiting. I don't like anything about it. I have waited for a long time and now I have to wait longer. That just plain stinks. We had finally started trying and now this. What a confusing pain.
Most people that we told about the miscarriage were thoughtful and caring. A couple people said hurtful things but I don't think they meant to be hurtful. But it still hurt.
My heart hurts. My body hurts. I know both will pass. Catch me in a good moment and I can see ahead and know that God is soverign. Catch me in a bad moment and I'm steaming mad. It will pass. As Jon told me last night when I asked what to do today, "just keep breathing". And I am.
What else can you say?
I'm ok.
I'll be ok.
Most likely we'll be able to have another baby.
God is here. He was there yesterday; right beside me. He's with me today. Isn't that the reminder at Christmas time?
Emmanuel: God is with us.
God is in us.
God is for us.
Even me.
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SUCH a good post! Really, truly powerful, especially the last part. I loved how you connected the reminder of Christmas - Emmanuel - to how you are feeling and doing in all of this. I love you so, so much!
ReplyDeleteHi Jaimi. I am friends with Jenny. My hubby and I go to Heritage here in Ashland and I actually met you once after Emma was born when I brought you a meal. Anyways... Jenny sent me the link to you blog b/c she knew I'd be able to relate... My oldest daughter just turned 6. Then, I have a 2 y.o. son and an 8 month old daughter. My two youngest are such surprises b/c after Sophia there was a season we thought the Lord would not ever give us another child. We miscarried 4 times between Sophia and Riley, the last being Riley's twin. So, when Riley was born, wow - super emotional! Then, when we got surprised with another pregnancy before Riley was even 1, that was crazy! Hadassah was born to us last March, and again, so emotional! Miscarriages are so hard. I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI do not know the details of your life but I do know that we serve the same God and I know that He will guide you through this grievous time, just like He did for me. The worst thing I did was stop being honest with the Lord about how I felt about Him allowing my babies to die. Also, there was a time that my hubby and I quite talking about our lost babies b/c it was so painful. The lack of communication was not good! After a very hard season God gave me the courage to be honest with Him and to open up to my hubby. That brought so much healing.
Your sweet Emma is such a doll. I just read every one of your posts and can see that you are such a fabulous Mommy!!!!
... I will be praying for you this very night. I loved your point about Emmanuel. What a good reminder, whether it's Christmas or not!
~ Ruthie