Praying for change

I don't want to stay stagnant.

I want to be more like Christ.

I even know what God wants me to change in order to make those things happen.

God wants me to trust Him more, be more patient and less selfish. I want those things very much. However, I am afraid to ask God to do what He wants in order to make me change. I'm afraid that He will bring trials into my life that I am not ready to accept or deal with. I am afraid He will take things and people from me in order to teach me those lessons. I fear He will deal with me harshly and that He will think (or know) that is the only way to make me change.

To be real... I fear God will give me an unhealthy baby in order to teach me how to trust Him more. I fear God will give me a special needs child in order to teach me patience. I fear God will allow Greyson to be disabled in order to teach me how to be less selfish. It seems that's a slam-dunk way for God to teach me all of the lessons He is prompting me to learn.

So I'm afraid to learn them. I'm afraid that the good things God has me are "good" in the eternal sense, however I will have to learn to accept them as good in my human-ness.

It sounds very immature spiritually to say that God would only choose one way to teach me how to change. But these days (truthfully, these years) my fears lead the way to most of my opinions and thoughts. I don't like that about myself and feel very ungrateful for the incredible blessings that God has given to me.

I don't want to be nervous for the next four weeks until Greyson is born and THEN decide whether to trust God or not. I want to be faithful and strong enough to trust NOW. I want to accept God's ways NOW, before I know what they are. I want to mature in my spiritual life. I want to trust that God will do what is best for His plan and that He will teach me in the best way for me to learn...and I want to be ok with that!

So I'm praying for change. I'm praying for me to change and for that to start right now amidst my fears and uncertainties.