Life lately has felt...heavy. It's several little things for me that feel piled up but also that I feel for my friends who are going through heavy things right now. It's hard to watch your loved ones struggle, especially when you feel helpless to help. I know our presence is often what is the most comforting but it's still hard to know they are hurting and you can't do much.
I also feel like it's time to address some spiritual issues that are holding me back in major ways. I think it's been time for a long time but now is when I've decided to push hard enough to change.
Really, how do I trust a God that is so powerful He's scary? How do I trust a God who is so unpredictable? How do I pray to a God who does what He wants at the end of the day? How do I feel cared for by Him who doesn't take away or prevent pain?
I started this blog to be real. So that's what you get folks.
I am struggling with basic spiritual questions. I do believe and know without a doubt that God is real.
Jesus is His Son.
Jesus died and rose from the dead.
He died for me.
I'm thankful that I can hang my heart on these basic truths. Because of these things I am not lost. I feel a bit lonely as I traverse through these questions, but everytime I pray about these questions I feel God there, caring and patient.
That's a relief.
He's not mad that I am asking these things.
I have asked lots of people these very questions -everyone from my bible study leaders to pastors, to lay people and godly friends and family and no one could give me answers that gave my soul rest. No one could tell me what I need to know. I think that's because I know the answers in my head, but my heart isn't buying it. Not yet. A friend pointed out to me that I have some "issues" with God that I haven't talked to God about yet.
Somewhere along the way I have gotten the picture of God and Jesus as "good cop, bad cop". God is the wrathful and harsh commander who stamps requests as "approved" or "denied" while Jesus is the kind compassionate Savior who died for me and gently shepherds me. I know They are both One, however They are very different in my heart. I have put God in that role in my mind and haven't given Him a chance to teach me more about His character that will most likely bring my blurried vision into focus.
So the answers from others weren't ever going to be enough. I have to choose to faithfully be honest with God and allow Him to teach me, to show me who He really is. And then allow Him to help me accept Him as who He is, not who I've decided He is.
For me that feels scary, but I've decided it's worth it. I forget that a lot of this struggle is with the enemy. My friend also reminded me that Satan feeds me lies about God. Lies about who God is and lies that I should be afraid of God. Of course I want to revere God and respect Him, but be afraid of Him like I am, not so much. She shared that the lies I am believing are not any of God's characteristics according to scripture. It was interesting to hear her speak them out loud to me. Hearing them listed out helped me see that they aren't true. Satan really does disguise himself as an angel of light.
Stupid satan.
So, to that end, I move forward. I have been honestly praying honest prayers this week and honestly feel, well, my head feels full. But I know I am a step closer to Truth and God doesn't walk away. He doesn't give up on me. So as long as I want to know Him more and know Him more "real", He will abide so I can gain more wisdom. He is standing by while I put my childish ways (my childish opinions and presuppositions) behind me and walk closer and closer to the glass through which we see darkly. I know that God will help me.
One way I know this is that He has given me so many good things. He has allowed me to get daily doses of smiles and light-heartedness from my kids.
They make me laugh and smile and feel closer to God.
Thank you God for every way and every person you use in my life.
Thank you for not giving up on me.
Here are some reasons I am smiling
I'd love to see any comments people have on these questions and thoughts.
