Change is in the air

 

Some things never change. Emma loves water in most any shape or form. She loves jumping in puddles, she loves playing in buckets of water and she loves her wading pool.

 

Emma also loves chocolate! That never changes either. She enjoyed her chocolate ice cream cone- evidence is still left on her face.

 

Some things are changing: like my profile. My belly shows baby Greyson is growing and is 25 weeks along now! I'm moving into the third trimester and feel great. I am not quite as thrilled with my Akron experience at this point. I found out at my last appointment that since it is a group of doctors I see who I see at my appointments. I didn't get to see my favorite doctor last visit and will try to make an appointement with her specifically soon so I can find out if she will truly be doing my c-section. She said she would at my first appointment but now I feel I need a few more details. That being said, I know that they are a great, knowledgeable bunch of docs and I know I'll get good care there.

Life for Jon is changing too. He is in the last few weeks (yes I said weeks!) of his schooling program and is facing finals, finals and a registry test. He has a good job prospect and we are headed toward life as a normal family. Well, normal is kind of a strong word but we are headed out of school-mode and on with seeing Jon more everyday, having a new baby, and lots more chocolate ice cream cones with Emma.

Change does scare me though. Even if I'm not a huge fan of continuing what I'm currently doing, at least it's known. I know what it's like to have Jon being a student. I don't know what him working third shift will look like.

I don't want to be pregnant forever. But it is going great and I'm not one of those horribly miserable pregnant women. I am happy and healthy but I don't know what baby Greyson will be like. I'm not scared of the potential chronic spit up (Jon says we are due for a "spitter-upper") but will breath a sigh of relief and will probaby cry when the doctors deliver him and say that he is 100% healthy. You know those thoughts that fill your mind in the middle of the night: what if he's not healthy?

I love that Emma is a toddler still. She is full of questions and independent one day and wants help with everything the next day. Some days that's tiring as a mom but I want her to continue to grow and develop. However, that's more change. What will she be like as she grows up? Will she submit to the Lord early and be obedient and confident?

Ugh! Change. It scares me sometimes. However, I truly don't want things to stay like this forever. Change is the only way to move forward. It's like Emma's book about the bear hunt: "can't go over it, can't go under it, gotta go through it"!

SO: Trust.

God has been pushing me to let go of more and trust Him more for months now. It's one of my biggest spiritual issues at this point. I need more trust in my life. I need more of God in my life. He has shown me that to get more of Him I have to trust more of Him.

I have to trust that God will help Jon and I make the right decision for his job and will work as a team to adjust and have lots of meaningful family times together.

I have to trust that God will remain in control of baby Greyson. He began knitting him together in my womb. He will continue to do so and whatever that looks like, healty or not, it is in God's control. He promises never to leave us. He is also very merciful and generous in His love for us. He often delights in giving us what we hope and pray for. That could be a 100% healthy baby boy to hold and bring up.

I have to trust that God holds Emma's future in His Hands as well. Jon and I can do our best to teach her about God (enter my spiritual growth- she will see that). Then we have to allow her to make more and more of her own decisions as she gets older. We can guide her but ultimately she has to choose God on her own. We pray with her and for her nightly. I feel the power of prayer is unsinkable. She has such a sweet spirit about her and it's so fulfilling to see her "get it" when she makes spiritual connections. We have such joy and hope for her and how God will use her.

And then there's me...
God hasn't ever given up on me. He knows that I'm still a work in progress and He's not surprised. He knows more than I do about myself. He knows that change makes me afraid at times. He knows that it can be a great way to pull me closer to Him and, dare I say it, trust Him more. I feel that I'm at a place where it's time to move. (Yes our apartment will be crowded once baby is here but that's not really what I mean.) I mean that I go through times where I am ok to simply "be" spiritually and then there are times where I need to decide to dig in and choose to do the harder things daily. I have to choose to put worry out of my mind and just hope and be excited for Greyson's arrival. I need to choose to trust God to help our family as Jon adjusts to working life. I need to choose to trust that God loves me.

That is what it boils down to: God Loves me. He isn't just tolerating me, or passive agressive with me. He loves me. He loves me with great abandon.

THAT - will never change.