Kicks and giggles

I think God read my last post. I'm sure of it actually.

Of course He knew my thoughts before I did, but no sooner did I write my last post about change and the anxiety it produces in me than we went to church Sunday and I was challenged in a hard and good way.

The pastor has been speaking about waiting. When he started speaking Sunday I wondered how it might apply to me. I have to be real and say I was tempted to think that I could check out mentally for the service but thought better of it. He went on to say that while we wait (for God, for change, for anything) one thing we should NOT do is worry.

OK. Pastor, you are now stepping on my toes!

I tuned in and felt that God brought into clear view that I am in a waiting period in my life. I hadn't really considered my position in life right now to be a waiting period but God made me see that it is.

Waiting to have our baby.

Waiting for Jon to be done with school and studying.

Waiting for Jon to start a job.

Waiting for us to be able to start adjusting to Jon's job. (He'll be working third shift.)

Waiting to see that our baby is healthy.

Waiting to begin getting my body back in shape after having the baby.

Waiting on my landlord to tell me if we can put a swingset in the back yard for Emma.

The list goes on.

I am waiting. And while I wait I must not worry. Pastor said "worry is a waste of waiting". He used the illustration of David. David was told by God that he would be king! That is an exciting promise that if it were me, I'd want to come true right away. However, David was a shepard for years and years and many other things (difficult and life threatening even) came and went before that promise came true. So David had to get good at waiting. He wrote a big portion of the Psalms during that waiting period. They are filled with thanksgiving, trust and praise. Which is actually what we ARE supposed to do while waiting.

Thank God.

Trust God.

Praise God.

So I felt God challenge me to exchange my worry for thanksgiving. When I feel fear or anxiety about Greyson's health I mentally stop that thought and say "Thank you God for this baby". When I feel nervous about our future as a family with all the transitions coming our way I stop my brain from fretting and say "thank you God for providing Jon with a job".

It is working great! I have no revelations of how it will all work out and what it will all look like in, say, September. However, I have been filled with joy and peace and worry has had less of a hold on me.

It isn't totally gone. I don't want to sound like I found a magic pill, but when I choose to be thankful there just isn't a lot of room left in my brain for worry. I have another routine ultrasound next Wednesday. When I let myself think about it too much I worry. I even forget that I'm not supposed to be worrying until I'm knee deep. So I have to keep practicing but God is so faithful to show me how to follow His commands not to worry.

I have had more time to laugh with Emma. She is fun and silly and almost three. She is starting to understand how to joke with me and that's fun. We have rolled around tickling on the floor and she laughs so hard she gets the hiccups. It makes me laugh too. Her giggles are so contagious. I have more time for that when I'm not consumed by worry.

I have had more time to watch my belly roll and move as the baby is kicking and moving. It makes me smile and I feel so much love for this baby I haven't yet met. It's something I was missing out on when obsessed with worry.

Kicks and giggles - good.
Worry - bad.

I'm so thankful for God's living Word.

Psalm 62:5-8
Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Change is in the air

 

Some things never change. Emma loves water in most any shape or form. She loves jumping in puddles, she loves playing in buckets of water and she loves her wading pool.

 

Emma also loves chocolate! That never changes either. She enjoyed her chocolate ice cream cone- evidence is still left on her face.

 

Some things are changing: like my profile. My belly shows baby Greyson is growing and is 25 weeks along now! I'm moving into the third trimester and feel great. I am not quite as thrilled with my Akron experience at this point. I found out at my last appointment that since it is a group of doctors I see who I see at my appointments. I didn't get to see my favorite doctor last visit and will try to make an appointement with her specifically soon so I can find out if she will truly be doing my c-section. She said she would at my first appointment but now I feel I need a few more details. That being said, I know that they are a great, knowledgeable bunch of docs and I know I'll get good care there.

Life for Jon is changing too. He is in the last few weeks (yes I said weeks!) of his schooling program and is facing finals, finals and a registry test. He has a good job prospect and we are headed toward life as a normal family. Well, normal is kind of a strong word but we are headed out of school-mode and on with seeing Jon more everyday, having a new baby, and lots more chocolate ice cream cones with Emma.

Change does scare me though. Even if I'm not a huge fan of continuing what I'm currently doing, at least it's known. I know what it's like to have Jon being a student. I don't know what him working third shift will look like.

I don't want to be pregnant forever. But it is going great and I'm not one of those horribly miserable pregnant women. I am happy and healthy but I don't know what baby Greyson will be like. I'm not scared of the potential chronic spit up (Jon says we are due for a "spitter-upper") but will breath a sigh of relief and will probaby cry when the doctors deliver him and say that he is 100% healthy. You know those thoughts that fill your mind in the middle of the night: what if he's not healthy?

I love that Emma is a toddler still. She is full of questions and independent one day and wants help with everything the next day. Some days that's tiring as a mom but I want her to continue to grow and develop. However, that's more change. What will she be like as she grows up? Will she submit to the Lord early and be obedient and confident?

Ugh! Change. It scares me sometimes. However, I truly don't want things to stay like this forever. Change is the only way to move forward. It's like Emma's book about the bear hunt: "can't go over it, can't go under it, gotta go through it"!

SO: Trust.

God has been pushing me to let go of more and trust Him more for months now. It's one of my biggest spiritual issues at this point. I need more trust in my life. I need more of God in my life. He has shown me that to get more of Him I have to trust more of Him.

I have to trust that God will help Jon and I make the right decision for his job and will work as a team to adjust and have lots of meaningful family times together.

I have to trust that God will remain in control of baby Greyson. He began knitting him together in my womb. He will continue to do so and whatever that looks like, healty or not, it is in God's control. He promises never to leave us. He is also very merciful and generous in His love for us. He often delights in giving us what we hope and pray for. That could be a 100% healthy baby boy to hold and bring up.

I have to trust that God holds Emma's future in His Hands as well. Jon and I can do our best to teach her about God (enter my spiritual growth- she will see that). Then we have to allow her to make more and more of her own decisions as she gets older. We can guide her but ultimately she has to choose God on her own. We pray with her and for her nightly. I feel the power of prayer is unsinkable. She has such a sweet spirit about her and it's so fulfilling to see her "get it" when she makes spiritual connections. We have such joy and hope for her and how God will use her.

And then there's me...
God hasn't ever given up on me. He knows that I'm still a work in progress and He's not surprised. He knows more than I do about myself. He knows that change makes me afraid at times. He knows that it can be a great way to pull me closer to Him and, dare I say it, trust Him more. I feel that I'm at a place where it's time to move. (Yes our apartment will be crowded once baby is here but that's not really what I mean.) I mean that I go through times where I am ok to simply "be" spiritually and then there are times where I need to decide to dig in and choose to do the harder things daily. I have to choose to put worry out of my mind and just hope and be excited for Greyson's arrival. I need to choose to trust God to help our family as Jon adjusts to working life. I need to choose to trust that God loves me.

That is what it boils down to: God Loves me. He isn't just tolerating me, or passive agressive with me. He loves me. He loves me with great abandon.

THAT - will never change.

Picnic in the sunshine

Akron visit

I had my visit with my high risk OB at Akron Children's and I love my doctor! She spent over an hour talking with me. She is confident in her job and in things going well for this pregnancy and delivery.

We are still planning a C-section at 39 weeks. If my blood pressure starts going up I will be put on bed rest and if it's at 37 weeks or later we'll just bump up the C-section date. Anything after 37 weeks is considered full-term so no real worries about the baby being underdeveloped at 37 weeks.

I need to have my blood pressure monitored more often (every two weeks for now and once I hit the 30 week mark it will be every week). My Akron doctor is happy to let me stop in to my Ashland OB to have my BP checked so that I don't have to drive up to Akron as often. My gas tank and checkbook appreciate that.

The Akron doctor wants to run her own baseline tests so I am having more bloodwork, another ultrasound (yay! I get to see Greyson again:)) and an echocardiogram of my heart, next Wednesday. It will take all morning but I trust my doctor and feel very confident with her. She isn't worried about finding anything abnormal in any of these tests, she just wants to have them done in her office and to have them in her records. And like I said, I am glad to get to see the baby during the ultrasound so I'll most likely have some more baby pictures to post soon.

I'm getting ready to start my third trimester! Hard to believe... but also not hard to believe. I'm getting so excited to meet and hold Greyson. Although I don't want him to come too early!

In other family news:

Jon is down to 30 days left in his schooling program! I am so very proud of him. He still has some huge tests and hurdles to finish but I know he will finish strong. He has started looking for jobs and we know God has a plan for us and for Jon's job. We are approaching it with prayer and know God will help us along the way.

Emma is doing wonderful. She's finally over her cough (I still have mine... grrr).
She wants a princess castle birthday cake- it's hard to believe my baby is turning three in just one month from now! She is really chomping at the bit to get her swimming pool out. It's stored at Nana's house so at least I have a good reason that we haven't pulled it out yet. Emma thinks that 60 degrees IS warm and thinks it would be fine to go swimming. Instead we go puddle jumping and on the few truly warm days we have had I just get a big bucket of water and she has a ball with that.

Jarrah is ready for the rain to stop so she can go outside to poop in "optimal conditions" and the nice weather also means walks. She is such a good dog and does well with having little exercise but I know it will be great for her to get back into our daily walks.

Sidenote: It will be great for me too, and my increasingly softening body, to go on daily walks. I remember when I was pregnant with Emma the weather was nicer much earlier in the season so Jarrah and I hit the road for long daily walks. I try to do my pregnancy pilates DVD often but have been sick for almost 3 weeks now and when I do much activity I set off on a coughing fit. That seems like a pretty good excuse for now:)

We have a mallard duck couple (male and female) at our house. They must live in the woods right by our house and just waddle over and eat the bird seed from the bird feeders. We love watching them, well, except for Jarrah, she loves barking at them. When they hear Jarrah it's funny to watch them try to "hustle waddle" back to the woods. Cracks me up.

We have lots of bunnies munching on our abundant clover patches and the deer are very tame. One walked right by the window the other evening- I could have stuck my arm out the window and almost touched it. Again, these animals are happy to munch on our grasses and such until they hear Jarrah's bark. She truly thinks she's saving us from the ducks/deer/bunnies.

We are all well overall and have so many blessings in our lives. We are looking forward to more sunshine and Jon, less studying:)

What do you think??

1. When birds perch on phone wires can they eavesdrop on our conversations? After all, they can hear worms underground with their feet...

2. If worms are fast enough to crawl out of the ground when it rains so that they don't drown, why can't they crawl back into the dirt after the rain stops before they dry up on my driveway?

3. Why is it when there is nothing on TV and I watch some random sitcom it is the very same episode I watched last time there was nothing on TV and I watched a random sitcom?

4. What would it be like to wake up some morning and have your life suddenly be accompanied by a music score?

5. Why do dogs hate baths but love to go for walks in the rain?

6. What do cows think about all day?

and finally

7. When I sweep my house in the evening how can a spider find time to make a web, kill other bugs, leave them in the new web and then die all before morning when I find them before breakfast?

A perfect day

Emma and I have been rather sick this last week. It really hit me on Wednesday and today is the first we are starting to feel a bit human. The sunshine really helps that too.

We got up this morning and hung around the hours in our pj's, had a surprise visit from GG and Grampy and then got dressed and headed to the library. Emma was thrilled that her favorite "Maisy" video was available and after getting that and several other things we headed to the park.

That always causes smiles.She's a flower girl. She loves to pick them, smell them, pull all the petals off...

Next to the rock throwing. She would have preferred to be standing in the creek and covered in mud but I was a deadbeat about it. So she stood by and threw in tons of rocks.

Emma loves to make "mad faces, happy faces" and "prise (surprise)" faces. This was supposed to be "happy face". I got the happy part and she, well, she got the "tired face".

We came home, ate lunch and she fell fast asleep for her nap. And I dropped onto the couch. I guess we are still on the mend and get tuckered out quickly.

But the sunshine on our faces sure was good medicine.

Brother and sister

Here's Greyson
Here's Emma.I think they look like siblings. They also look like they are smooshed in someone's belly... Oh, right, they are/were.

I think Emma's nose looks more like mine and Greyson's looks more like Jon's.

Emma thinks that both pictures look like the babies are "muddy".

I'm feeling the baby move very often now. He's kicking, wiggling, punching or moving and I feel it lots of times everyday (and night).

I got my referral for Akron Children's set up. My appointment is with one of the doctor's that saw me after I delivered Emma. I'm sure we'll be headed in the right direction and we still have plenty of time.

In other news: Jon is starting his LAST rotation tomorrow. You did read that correctly, the last rotation! It is one of the hardest ones but he can do it! His big case study presentations are this week. He has started studying for his registry (National Certification Test) which he will take in July.

I'm done with tax season and am loving my short work schedule. If it would ever quit raining we'd start our daily walks to the park.

Emma is great. She is napping right now. But I heard a noise about 15 minutes after I laid her down for her nap and went in to check it out. She was sitting in bed peeling stickers out of my childhood sticker albums. When I took it from her and told her it was time for sleeping, not for playing she looked at me for a second and handed me a little toy dog, another book and then pointed to her nail clippers for me to take as well. I love that she is so honest.
I had to go back in about 10 minutes later and take the Elmo puzzle out of her bed.
She finally fell asleep.
She is such a great kid and I'm so blessed to be her mom. I know having Greyson will just double that feeling.